I’m sitting at our desk disgusting and sweaty after restarting week six of BBG. The kids are napping but I don’t dare wake them with a shower so I figured I’d blog instead. While we were in Florida last week for spring break I got a text from a good friend that they just had an ultrasound and the doctor said that the baby’s heart shows signs of Down’s Syndrome. She went in for a blood test for some more conclusive results and was told to wait two weeks for the results.
I’ve found myself thinking about this a lot since I heard the news a week ago. We went in for our first ultrasound when I were pregnant with Drew in 2010, got the fun black and white photos and then I took off for Connecticut by myself to coordinate a wedding. That evening, while down there I received a phone call from our OB who said that the neucal fluids were high on the back of Drew’s neck. She told me that was an indicator of Down’s Syndrome or more seriously Cystic Hygroma. She informed me that there was a good chance he would die in utero or shortly after birth. I asked he how accurate these tests were and she informed, unemotionally, that they were very accurate. I called AJ and my mom right after and of course my mom started doing all sorts of research and I had to go in and coordinate this wedding while trying not to cry.
The hospital determined we were high risk and moved us to Tufts in Boston. There was nothing about the experience thus far that went how I thought our first pregnancy would go. I remember being very aware that the doctors never said “congratulations” to us and every conversation they told us we could terminate the pregnancy. Finally we told them we were keeping the baby no matter what. They told us we’d have a better sense of his health at week 20. The waiting and “what if” game were horrible. But we had to come to the realization that maybe our life with our baby wouldn’t be what we thought. We might lose him shortly after birth or we might be going to Special Olympic Games instead of high school athletic games.
This past year, while being really unsure about what was going to happen with the twins, brought back these same memories. The realization that God has given us such a tremendous gift but that it might be taken away. There were so many Sundays in church that I’d just cry singing songs about surrender.
After Drew was born and completely healthy at 9.1 pounds and after we signed the open adoption agreement for the twins people said to us “God is so good”. He is. But He would STILL be good if Drew didn’t make it or if the babies went back to their birth parents. There is this story in the Bible when Lazarus died and when Jesus found out it simply says “Jesus wept”. The Greek word for weeping in this verse means loud and deep sobs EVEN though he knew he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead. I deeply believe that had something happened to Drew or the babies that Jesus would be right there sharing in my grief even though He knew good could come out of the situation.
I thought I’d share our story in case others of you are in the waiting game for something in your life and I wanted to let you know I’m praying for you right now and that this season wouldn’t be marked by panic and worry but a sense of calm and peace no matter what the outcome.